You raise it, feed it, shelter it, care for and love it. The family pet. And it becomes loyal, trusting and dependent upon you. Then one day you leave, move away or take it to the shelter. It howls and barks, whines and jumps up at every sound, thinking that you have returned to love it once more. It’s beyond the capacity of this pet to understand why you left it, that your leaving of it truly had nothing to do with it or anything it did. You just left for your own reasons without any consideration for the feelings or thoughts of this loyal loved one. You had to move on, had something better or different to do and left this life behind. The pet though still waits every day for its master to return, to be loved again, the whole time thinking ‘Why did they leave? What did I do?”

I am this pet, I have searched in and outside myself, done drastic and not so drastic changes to my life, tried to reinvent and move on with things. Each day is different than the one before, the only thing I know for certain is that each day is farther away from what was, from what could have been.

It’s been almost a month...  As time strifes into the realm of histories and pasts, I struggled to face reality. I tried to learn new things, to do things which I wanted to do with her... Every day I face people with a veil, like an endless masquarade, I find myself losing me... My sanity...

Weekends are long and my mind is filled with thoughts of loneliness and uncertainty, offdays are what I dreaded most... I avoided every street and corners that I might run into her, into them...

The person I cared about most in the world cared for me the least in the end and with that came the realization that no one now matters to me. I can’t understand what keeps me going other than the fact that each day I wake up I’m still alive. I attempt to find love again, only to end up missing her more with each passing date.

I don’t know why I write this anyways, no one reads this at all, people assume that my stopping was a sign of healing that I became strong enough to finally move on.

If only that was true.