At times we deviate from our norms in life, at times we became people we thought we wouldn't be or never would be... At moments like these, we usually forgot who we are, searching to escape the realism that binds us and our conscience... Lost in the translation of thoughts and emotions...

Emancipated from the thorny grips of love... Enraptured by the rhetorical figure of incongruousness along an inebriated staid. I was mangled by the very temptation of thoughts itself... Along the masquarades of masks I see, are people crying out for effectual actions. Yet succoring them in their hour of need is the derogatory connotations of being in a stupor. Hanging in the balance of righteousness and the thought of reprisal, I can't help but wax along the frequency of disconcertion.

I'm messed up I know, but whenever I am possessed by such deconstructionist thoughts, I just can't seem to find a word or reason for everything anymore...

You raise it, feed it, shelter it, care for and love it. The family pet. And it becomes loyal, trusting and dependent upon you. Then one day you leave, move away or take it to the shelter. It howls and barks, whines and jumps up at every sound, thinking that you have returned to love it once more. It’s beyond the capacity of this pet to understand why you left it, that your leaving of it truly had nothing to do with it or anything it did. You just left for your own reasons without any consideration for the feelings or thoughts of this loyal loved one. You had to move on, had something better or different to do and left this life behind. The pet though still waits every day for its master to return, to be loved again, the whole time thinking ‘Why did they leave? What did I do?”

I am this pet, I have searched in and outside myself, done drastic and not so drastic changes to my life, tried to reinvent and move on with things. Each day is different than the one before, the only thing I know for certain is that each day is farther away from what was, from what could have been.

It’s been almost a month...  As time strifes into the realm of histories and pasts, I struggled to face reality. I tried to learn new things, to do things which I wanted to do with her... Every day I face people with a veil, like an endless masquarade, I find myself losing me... My sanity...

Weekends are long and my mind is filled with thoughts of loneliness and uncertainty, offdays are what I dreaded most... I avoided every street and corners that I might run into her, into them...

The person I cared about most in the world cared for me the least in the end and with that came the realization that no one now matters to me. I can’t understand what keeps me going other than the fact that each day I wake up I’m still alive. I attempt to find love again, only to end up missing her more with each passing date.

I don’t know why I write this anyways, no one reads this at all, people assume that my stopping was a sign of healing that I became strong enough to finally move on.

If only that was true.

How long has it been since I last sat at the window seat of a bus… The cold lonely corner… By my side is no longer her hand intertwining mine, no longer is her hair flowing down my shoulders, no longer will I be able to smell her scent and feel her warmth… All that I can lean upon is the cold hard plastic and glass beside me…

Wandering around like a lost soul, I have lost interest in everything… I no longer want to eat anything, no longer want to do anything, I could even not sleep and yet won’t feel tired… Is this what they called lovesick? Friends came to my aid, to fill the void in me, my family members tried to distract me. But the truth lies bare in my room, this vacant room… She will no longer be back, even if she does, it will never be the same again…

Everything just came so fast, so swift. Before I could even say goodbye and put a closure to everything, she has already started a new… Time is the antidote now, but also the very poison that is killing me…

It’s been so long since I wrote again… Wrote in this place of sorrow… This section of the World Wide Web where all my sadness congregates… My notion of paradoxes, all sealed in this place…

Love is...

...the brief moment between breathing in and breathing out.

When you've drawn them in and taken them deep within yourself.  When you're full of them and you just pause for that one beat.  Totally sustained and happy and fulfilled.

And then you let them go.  They rush out of you and into memory.  And you spend a while releasing them completely.  And sometimes you spend too long.

And then you breathe them in once more. Or you breathe in someone new.

Or you never breathe again.

Behind the veil of darkness, we prowl and hunt for criminals. Like a poacher searching for a game, we get tip offs and ambush our prey… Perambulating districts and precincts, we also made our presence known to both the public and those with intentions to sin.

Behind this uniform, we are also normal humans with compassion and humanity. But at many a times, we have to forsake such persona and become impartial whenever necessary. Many would say our country is a bed of roses, but beneath every nation, there are weeds of problem growing. Social problems, economic problems, leadership problems and a 101 more problems to list… Yet most people choose only to live within their 4 walls, among their sphere of sociality, insouciance about the strangers beside them until something happens to them…

As dawn breaks, and people begin to start their routinely tasks, they might think that the world is sleeping and waking up with them. They will never realize the things we did to keep them safe, for they don’t realize that we are their invisible guardian angel… We spent our time toiling through the night to keep them safe, yet at times all we get is their scrutiny…